Chefs Gone Gonzo!

I'm sorry, it SUCKS!  Having watched the stock of Beyond Meat soar following its initial public stock offering, I decided to see what all the excitement from the "let's not eat cows anymore" crowd was all about.  Uh....frankly, I am dumbfounded.  The stuff tastes more like spiced up Alpo than a hamburger.  The fact that I know exactly what spiced Alpo tastes like is a story from my distant past that involves being single, hungry, and under the affluence of inkohol.  Trust me, dogs would drop kick this yellow pea-based insult to animal and human taste buds quicker than Trump put Stormy Daniels through the uprights.  It's simply inedible.

What's up with all this plant-based meat substitution anyway?  It's a given that cows, pigs, and chickens are methane machines who let fly noxious ass grenades pretty much round the clock.  Who cares??!!  They are tasty ever so delicious critters loaded with the protein we more cunning mammals need to keep our engines purring.

The latest insult to our intelligence and good old non-vegan, non-commie American cuisine involves one of God's most perfect gifts, the watermelon.  Yep, some clown named Rocco DiSpirito who runs the Standard Grill in New York City has created something called watermelon ham.  No, really.  This $39 disaster involves "curing" the fruit in a salt solution, stuffing it back into the hollowed-out rind  and  then smoking it until it takes on a--I'm not kidding here--a "meaty jiggle."  It sounds hideous.    Mr. DiSpirito isn't the only restaurateur messing with this perfect red fruit.    There is a hotel in Miami Beach now offering a watermelon sandwich and another establishment brags of watermelon pizza and cake.  Each of these is an abomination for a couple of reasons.  First of all, there is NO protein in watermelon.  NONE!  It is a delicious fruit consisting of sugar, water and a few vitamins.  Leave it alone!  Real Americans love watermelon all by its yummy lonesome.  It is low in calories and the seeds contained in each green surprise package provide cardio and coordination benefits via your vigorous and enthusiastic expectoration.  Name anything more American than a good old fashioned watermelon seed spitting contest at your local county fair.  I'm fairly certain that there is something about that in the constitution.

My point?  Watermelon is a delicious fruit, but it's no meat substitute. Any chef who tells you differently has ground chuck for brains.
Which reminds me, please pass the mustard and relish.  The burgers are almost ready.  Hold the melon, for dessert!