This is a re-post from 2009
"Wine is a mocker and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."
That was the bible verse that put me over the top. The funny part was that it took more than thirty years of pounding down sauce with two hands for me to consider that there was some merit in that advice. I no longer remember the book, chapter, or number of the verse but it was the one that made me the sixth grade Sunday school champion at the First Congregational Church of Leslie, Michigan back in 1960.
I hated Sunday school and really couldn't stand the dweeby guy named Paul who was our teacher, but memorizing came easy and each week I would come prepared to regurgitate the bible verses that would make me THE WINNER of the promised Sunday school prize. Every Sunday old Paul would drone on about how we were all going to hell. "Hopeless sinners" is what we all were according to his practiced eye. It always made me mad because, if he was correct, why were we even bothering with this B.S.? I could be home watching cartoons and tormenting my little brother instead of listening to how hopeless my odds of getting to heaven were. But, then again, there was THE PRIZE.
Paul was offering a very cool football to the winner of the bible verse memorization drill. Whoever mastered all of the weekly verses would walk away with the coveted pigskin at the end of the Sunday school year. (Paul was such an idiot that he never seemed capable of grasping the the lack of interest on the part of the girls in the class. His wife didn't seem to like him much either.) Maybe Paul was deliberately trying to motivate only the guys because women are more naturally drawn to religion. When you stop to think about it, of course they are. The Christian religion gives women everything they want.
Work with me here...
Christianity provides women with a good looking, okay PERFECT, man who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Face it my brothers, Jesus is the guy women would like us to be. If you don't believe me try getting your head around a religion where an Amanda Peet or a Jennifer Lawrence was the deity. I think it's safe to say that most guys wouldn't have been absent from church more than a couple of times in the last fifty years of Sundays. Just sayin'.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, so anyway, I totally killed in the bible verse contest and at the end of the class I was ready to claim my football. (This was really important at the time because, as a tubby kid, I thought I might have a future in professional football. I hadn't yet considered that talent might be involved.)
Then it happened...
Paul announces that I am the winner of the contest and since I have demonstrated such a marvelous love of bible verses he is giving me a BRAND NEW BIBLE instead of the football which instead went to Gary who came in second. Son of a bitch!! And you wonder why I hardly ever go to church.
If Paul is still alive I want him to know that in radio and TV we called crap like that "bait and switch!" It's illegal!
If Paul has gone to his reward, I have some ice water for him. Oh wait, NO I DON'T.
How about some marshmallows?
"Wine is a mocker and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise."
That was the bible verse that put me over the top. The funny part was that it took more than thirty years of pounding down sauce with two hands for me to consider that there was some merit in that advice. I no longer remember the book, chapter, or number of the verse but it was the one that made me the sixth grade Sunday school champion at the First Congregational Church of Leslie, Michigan back in 1960.
I hated Sunday school and really couldn't stand the dweeby guy named Paul who was our teacher, but memorizing came easy and each week I would come prepared to regurgitate the bible verses that would make me THE WINNER of the promised Sunday school prize. Every Sunday old Paul would drone on about how we were all going to hell. "Hopeless sinners" is what we all were according to his practiced eye. It always made me mad because, if he was correct, why were we even bothering with this B.S.? I could be home watching cartoons and tormenting my little brother instead of listening to how hopeless my odds of getting to heaven were. But, then again, there was THE PRIZE.
Paul was offering a very cool football to the winner of the bible verse memorization drill. Whoever mastered all of the weekly verses would walk away with the coveted pigskin at the end of the Sunday school year. (Paul was such an idiot that he never seemed capable of grasping the the lack of interest on the part of the girls in the class. His wife didn't seem to like him much either.) Maybe Paul was deliberately trying to motivate only the guys because women are more naturally drawn to religion. When you stop to think about it, of course they are. The Christian religion gives women everything they want.
Work with me here...
Christianity provides women with a good looking, okay PERFECT, man who loves them unconditionally no matter what. Face it my brothers, Jesus is the guy women would like us to be. If you don't believe me try getting your head around a religion where an Amanda Peet or a Jennifer Lawrence was the deity. I think it's safe to say that most guys wouldn't have been absent from church more than a couple of times in the last fifty years of Sundays. Just sayin'.
Where was I?
Oh yeah, so anyway, I totally killed in the bible verse contest and at the end of the class I was ready to claim my football. (This was really important at the time because, as a tubby kid, I thought I might have a future in professional football. I hadn't yet considered that talent might be involved.)
Then it happened...
Paul announces that I am the winner of the contest and since I have demonstrated such a marvelous love of bible verses he is giving me a BRAND NEW BIBLE instead of the football which instead went to Gary who came in second. Son of a bitch!! And you wonder why I hardly ever go to church.
If Paul is still alive I want him to know that in radio and TV we called crap like that "bait and switch!" It's illegal!
If Paul has gone to his reward, I have some ice water for him. Oh wait, NO I DON'T.
How about some marshmallows?
No comments:
Post a Comment